Believe it or not, I really likePokémon. I’ve been a big fan of the series since I was a child, but even though my interest in the series diminished as I got older, I still find myself dipping back into the monster-catching stupidity now and then. I recently picked upPokémonPearlfor my DS Lite, and have already lost hours upon hours doing the exact same things I did inPokémonRedalmost ten years ago, yet still loving every shameful, childish second of it.
But not all is glory and sunshine inPokémonLand. Despite its enduring quality and innocent fun, there are certain parts of thePokémonfranchise that just bother me, digging under the skin like some sort of vile tick. If I am honest,Pokémonconfuses and frightens me in a way that only a game that ostensibly glorifies cockfighting can. Here are six ways in whichPokémonreally bothers me.
1.Pokémonmakes children believe free healthcare works:
In America, there is a widespread belief that free healthcare is a wondrous and desirable thing, something that America needs in order to become a civilized example of humanity in the world — this isWRONG, and games likePokémononly make that flawed thinking worse.
Speaking as a Brit, I can confirm that our National Health Service is so bad, it’s actually considered crueler totreatthe cancer rather than just let nature take its course. British hospitals will make you sicker coming out than when you went in. It’s understaffed and underpaid, and the waiting lists are astronomical — if you’re on the NHS, expect to be dead before a doctor will consider your case serious enough to see you straight away.
Not so inPokémonLand — if yourPokémonare even slightly bruised, you can just take them to aPokémonCenter and have their ailments quickly and efficiently cured in a matter of seconds, completely free of charge.PokémonCenters are an idealist’s view of the NHS, one that is sadly unattainable in real life. Free healthcare is a great idea, and I’m no fan of the other extreme either, don’t get me wrong — butPokémonis damaging us all by pretending that the NHS is just that good. If it were accurate, you’d have to wait a year between battles before your team is fully recovered, and even then, one or two of the buggers will have contracted SARS.
2. The whole world revolves aroundPokémon:
Now, I get that the game is aboutPokémonand all that, but does everyone — everyone in theentiregame world — have to care that much about the little bastards? I get it,Pokémonare cool and funky and have beaks sometimes, but doesevery singlebookshelf in the world have to be “full of books about different types ofPokémon?” Doeseveryshow on TV have to involve them in some way? Doeseveryperson ineverytown need to have something utterly profound to say about what their fucking Magikarp likes to eat for breakfast?
For a place full of penguins that can say their own name, the world ofPokémonmust be, in actual fact, the mostboringplace on Earth. There are no TV shows about anything else, no books that broach any other subject. It seems that hobbies and interests concerning things that aren’t related toPokémonin some arbitrary way have been banned by the government. It’s George Orwell’s1984all over again, except now revolving around turtles with trees on their backs.
It makes me cringe. Every time I approach some new character, I naïvely anticipate him surprising me with a frank discussion about Ayn Rand’s views on sexuality, or to show me his collection of rare Velvet Underground LPs, but no … no, he’s just going to tell me that he loves Psyduck. Again.
Just once I want a character to say “You know something? I am sick to death ofPokémon!”
- The Gym Leaders became Gym Leaders even though they’re shit:
Tell me, how did the moron who owns nothing but level 5 Rock-typePokémonrise to a position of prominence in his town? Is it a place populated entirely by people so stupid that the village idiot is abrick? I’m supposed to believe that the man who thinks composing a team that has two Geodudes in it instills fear with every mighty footstep he takes, and quite frankly, I don’t.
Throughout the game you are reminded of this one simple fact — if your team consists of one type ofPokémon, you are going to get screwed eventually. It would seem that your role is actually that of karmic truth, as you teach that very lesson to all the idiot Gym Leaders who ignored the advice you gotfive minutesinto the bloody game.
Oh sure, the second I hear that the next guy uses nothing but Water-types, I am looking at my Grotle and literallyshitting myself with terror. And tell me, HOW can you be a trainer for so long and not even have yourPokémonup to level 10 yet? Are you a fool? Are you astupidfool?
I mean honestly … what the Hell?
5. There’s a difference betweenPokémonand dogs:
Even though there arePokémonthat look, act and sound like dogs, they are not dogs. Similarly, dogs are notPokémon.Pokémonare split into different subspecies and types, yet are distinct from animals. And I don’t understand how. It’s just like trying to divide by zero, is attempting to understand what makes aPokémondifferent from a dog.
It’s never explained enough for my liking why an Eevee can learn Tackle but your common household Alsation can’t. If you threw a Pokéball at a monkey, would it get trapped inside? If not, why does it work for Chimchar? How did thesePokémoneven start looking like other animals?
Also, how come nobody is ever shown cooking and eating aPokémon? Itwouldhappen in real life, wouldn’t it? I intend for no offense to Mereep fans, but if you’re going to walk around looking like a delicious sheep, then you’re just asking for trouble.
6. The game is needlessly complex:
I consider it a fallacy thatPokémonis intended for children. While it looks like innocent playground fun on the outside, beneath its plush surface lies an eternity of statistics and arcane secrets that have been known to make sane men mad and mad men sane within mere minutes.
I refuse to believePokémonis for kids. You need graphs and charts and ancient runes to make sense of it all. If I’m on the bus and my Bidoof wants to evolve, I’m stuck — I don’t know if letting the little furry monster evolve now will mean he won’t learn an important move later. Why do they do that to you? Why make it so keeping aPokémonunevolved for several levels might be of benefit in the future? That just makes you frightened of evolution, and Dr. Richard Dawkins would laugh at you if he heard that!
Pokémonfills your head with too much knowledge. I now know that breeding an Alakazam with a Medicham will create an Abra capable of learning Fire Punch. I will NEVER need to know that much information about anything else in theworld! There are professional hostage negotiators out there who will not have put as much effort into learning their trade as some four-year-old is expected to put into small drawings of animals. This is why children grow up stupid nowadays — it’s not that they’re incapable of learning, it’s just that their small brains have become completely filled by mental maps showing them were all the Rawst Berries are planted.
