IGN phones in top ten toughest games

Yegods, it’s good to be back. Having only yesterday wrapped the last papereverin my English major, I’m still kind of in that academic mindset — you’ll excuse me if I use the words “paradigm” or “ostensibly” in the coming days, as these are words (among numerous others) commonly employed in 400-level English courses to show that I spent four years in college and actually learned something. Anyhow, your good ol’ Linde is back, and he sure did miss the lot of you.

And speaking of academia, did you know that “Top 10” is Sanskrit for “slow news day”? It’s true! While we’re certainly not exempt frommaking the occasional list now and then, IGN has made ascienceout of it, going so far as to dedicate a day to the unholy act. This week’s lineup is theTop 10 Toughest Games,of which only seven are actually, y’know, games. They threw in some series in there, because really, who wants to dig through all theContragames to pick the hardest one? (Psst: It’sShattered Soldier.)

Speaking ofContra, they ranked the original NES classic side-scroller number one in their top ten brutal bastards of gaming, snatching the crown away from titles likeBattletoadsandNinja Gaiden. Come on, fellas —Contrais tough, but not impossible.Battletoads, on the other hand, was a love-letter from the deepest pits of hell, engineered to drive the millions of children that played it toabsolute madness.

But before I debate this list any further, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the bigger idea here: why even bother with Top Tens, particularly when they deal with something as obviously subjective as gaming difficulty? Or theTop 10 Gaming Sidekicks? (“That’s bull!”,I cry, shaking a fist at the heavens,“No mention of the blob fromA Boy and His Blob? I’m writing my congressman!”) It’s simple: get everyone in forums around the globe to whine and moan about theoh-so-scientific process by which your results were discovered, andvoila, free traffic.

Battlefield 6 aiming RPG at a helicopter

So hit the jump for my Top Ten Top 10s, and make sure to leave some comments debating me as angrily as you can muster, while also posting on your own blog a link to Destructoid with copy assailing me for my obviously misinformed opinions. Just like I did with IGN. My god, howmetaof me.

#10:Top Ten Game Bargains (GameSpy)

You might know that I, being poor, have an affinity with thebargains of the gaming world. But did you also know that I can leap over a man’s head from a standing position? Now you do.

#9:Top Ten Internet Advertisers by Company (Internet World Stats)

Absolutelythrilling. Internet advertising numbers provide the rush that the crack just can’t do for me anymore. And they’re sorted bycompany. That’s the stuff.

#8:Top Ten Game Cliches (1UP)

It’s a shame they didn’t bother listing “Top Ten” listswithinthis list, an act which would’ve been so recursive that it would have caused a pandemic of nosebleeds reaching across the globe. Eat it,Memento.

#7-4:Rick Dees and the Weekly Top 40 (Oh God Is That What He Looks Like?)

BO7 key art

Because I want America’s bad taste in music relayed to me by the disembodied voice of a man who resembles a paper-mache muppet.

#3:Top Ten Commandments (Bible, the)

yordles animation still image

Awesome stuff. Whoever compiled this list really knew what they were talking about. Well — okay, it’s nitpicky, but they had me up until the murder thing. It’s so passé.