Darksidersis considered by many to be a great game, albeit one that suffers from an intense case of plagiarism. Comparisons to theThe Legend of Zeldarun amok, with even the game’s developer, Vigil, happily confessing to borrowing gameplay elements from the classic Nintendo franchise.
When two things are compared, one mustalwaysbe declared superior to the other. While many would say thatZeldais better thanDarksidersthanks to years of innovation, prestige, and inimitable charm, those people would bewrong. Considering that many people would also say Jeff Dunham is a funny human being, we can’t exactly count on what “many” would say.
Zeldamay have come first, but being original rarely means being the best. No, more often it means that whoever comes next has an opportunity to take everything you did and build upon it to become better. Blatantly better, in fact. Don’t believe me? Of course you don’t, you’re a stupid idiot with idiotic retro goggles who thinks idiotic things like an idiot.
Fortunately, I’m here with the Ocarina ofTruthto play you a different tune. It’s called the Tune Of Not Being Wrong About Videogames, so shut youGod damned mouthand listen for once in your pathetic life!
Link is a pussy:
Let’s get one thing straight before we even begin:Darksidersis the manliest game ever made, for real manly men who are manly with their man things.The Legend of Zelda, in contrast, is for children and girls who have not yet known a lover’s touch. You only have to look at the main characters to see this is true. One is the physical embodiment of conflict incarnate, a dauntless badass who will crack the skulls of angels of demons alike. The other is Legolas. Ladies and gentlemen, War wins.
Seriously, who would you rather have on your side in battle? A man with a fiery steed and a penchant for bloodlust who can turn into a giant molten demon at will, or a pussy little elf in a green skirt? War routinely hangs off the bellies of giant Hell bats and then stabs them in the guts. What has Link ever done, comparatively? Held a little shield in front of his girlish face so that seeds don’t hit him.Seeds! Link is afraid of SEEDS. While War is fighting the entire armies of Hell, Link’s shitting in his pants because somebody’s thrown a packet of grow-your-own at him.
It is a scientifically proven fact that if you playDarksiders, your penis will become comparable in size to a chimpanzee’s leg and gain enough ejaculative power to stop a charging African elephant. These same scientific studies concluded that if you playThe Legend of Zelda, a man’s penis will split at the opening and turn back on itself so that it looks like a hideous, veiny tulip. This gruesome physical reaction is known in the scientific community as “Zelda’s Cock Flower.”
The Chaoseater is better than the Master Sword:
Following on from our last point, you can tell which warrior is superior by the weapons they choose to wield. War has the Chaoseater, an ancient and otherworldly blade riddled with death masks and containing enough power to slice through a demon’s flesh and bone like it were nothing. The Master Sword? It shoots glitter at enemies. Once again,Darksiderscome out on top.
The Master Sword is a perfectly acceptable weapon … if you’re a little bitch. It’s lightweight, it has a bright blue hilt for gays, and it’s been designed exclusively for a skinny little elf who needs to go and kill a gigantic wizard pig. Sure, that’s a perfectly fine weapon right there. I think I’ll stick with the giant sword of pure killing death that has been designed exclusively for bringers of thefuckingApocalypse.
Even thenamefor War’s sword is better. It’s called the Chaoseater. As in, the eater of Chaos. Canyoueat Chaos? No, of course you may’t. War has a sword that caneat concepts! What can Link’s pissy little blade do? Oh, it can … master. Master what, exactly? It certainly can’t master chaos, let alone eat it.Darksiderswins!
Darksidershas Mark Hamill:
Mark Hamill, ladies and gentlemen, otherwise known as the greatest actor of our generation. Hamill’s vocal performance as The Watcher is very much a highlight of theDarksidersexperience, and it helped to craft one of the more memorable characters in recent gaming years. Hamill is the friggingmanwhen it comes to voice acting, and anybody who disagrees is a sweaty pube.
By contrast,The Legend of Zeldadoesn’t evenhavevoice acting, marking it as the clearly inferior product. That’s right folks, it’s the year 2010 and Nintendostillhasn’t found the budget to hire some fucking actors. The closest we get to “acting” in aZeldagame is some little prick going “HEP HEP HARRAWP,”every single bloody timeyou attempt to attack something. It’s more annoying than listening to female tennis players, and that’s saying something.
Like everybody else in the world, I consider theLegend of ZeldaSaturday morning cartoon to be the definitiveZelda. Of course, a huge part of that was the stellar voice acting. Who can forget the classic “Excuuuuuuse me, Princess,” line that Link would hilariously shout about three times per episode? The videogame Link, however, has never asked a princess to excuse him in an exaggeratedly sarcastic tone. What utter fail.
Darksidershas a shiny cover:
One of the biggest reasons whyDarksidersis better thanZeldais that theDarksiderscover totally has colorful holographic awesomeness on it. Like the rare stickers in a Panini sticker album, or the coveted shiny POGs,Darksiderscan provide hours of entertainment by taking the box out on a sunny day and sitting on a park bench, moving the box everso slightly up and down to make a dazzling Pink Floyd light show appear before your very eyes.
Hell, the only reason to evenowna debit card is to look at the little holographic eagle. Ask nine out of ten debit card owners, and they’ll tell you!The Legend of Zeldahas never had such a brilliant cover. It hasn’t even had a slightly different colored cartridge or anything, probably.Darksiderstriumphs once more due to the power of holograms! It’s like that doctor inStar Trek.
Darksidersinvented the Portal Gun:
Darksidershas a fantastic new gameplay element in it called The Portal Gun. During a visit to a clandestine organization called Aperture Science, War gets a magical weapon that allows him to create two holes that are linked together, allowing him to walk through one wall and come out the other. Fantastically brainteasing puzzles ensue as our intrepid hero tries to escape the clutches of GLaDOS. It truly was an innovation for its time, markingDarksidersas one of the most inventive and unique games of our time.
What, exactly, hasThe Legend of Zeldaever invented? As far as I can recall, swords were around long beforeZeldawas ever created, and that’s all those stupid games have going for them, really. Shigeru Miyamoto essentially copied everything fromLord of the Ringsanyway, so it’s a bit rich for certain moronic fanboys to sayDarksidersis derivative.
Yeah, whenThe Legend of Zeldaever does something as innovative as portals, we can resume the conversation, okay?
Darksiderswill always have better graphics:
Darksidersis on the Xbox 360 and PS3, which means it will always have better graphics thanThe Legend of Zelda. Since graphics are the most important thing about a videogame,Darksidersis clearly the better option for any real gamer. Only hardcore gamers play the Xbox 360 and PS3, while casual gamers and women play the Wii like stupid fucking spastics.
The Wii’s graphics are so bad that anybody who has evenglancedat a hi-def television in Walmart will instantly vomit blood and bits of ribcage after looking at a Wii game in motion. It is said that Billy Mays died after playingThe Conduit. The game looked so dreadful that his eyes tried to eat themselves and his brain fell out through the sockets.
NoZeldagame can ever look as good asDarksiders, and soDarksidersis blatantly better. If you disagree, then you are either functionally retarded or Stevie Wonder. Or both.
Ruin > Epona:
Christ, it’s like there is no game better at being better thanZeldathanDarksiders. Even thehorseinDarksidersis the cultural, physical and intellectual better of the horse in shittyZelda. War rides Ruin, a flaming black horse capable of knocking down demonic warriors and granting War with even more physical strength just by sitting on it. Link rides Epona, a horse. That’s all it is. Just a horse. Fire-drenched monster steed versus a regular old horse. Yeah, I think I know who’s going home with the carrots.
If you like Epona in any way, shape, or form, you’re a twat. Having seen how brilliant Ruin is, you are morally obliged to nowhateEpona for not being anywhere near as good. You better be hating right now.
EveryZeldais the exact same game:
Let us at leasttryand be honest here. If you’ve played oneZeldagame, you’ve played them all. Some stupid little elf starts off doing nothing, goes to a dungeon, gets a boomerang, gets a hookshot, gets a bow, gets big boots, fights Ganondorf and then the game’s over. The pacing, the setting, the characters, practically everything in a newZeldagame is a mirror image of the last.
Fortunately for weDarksiderssupporters (you canonlylike one game or the other btw), we do not have the same problem. Because there is only oneDarksidersgame, we cannot say that everyDarksidersgame is the exact same thing. By escaping this criticism, I have just proven thatDarksidersis a better franchise thanThe Legend of Zelda. So stickthatup your fucking arse and get the vicar to polish it!
And there we have it. I have just demonstrated exactly whyDarksidersis toZeldawhat coloring books are to Michael J Fox. Please, don’t thank me for setting you on the path to righteousness. Merely show your gratitude by telling fools who believe otherwise how wrong they truly are.Darksidersis blatantly better thanZelda, and that’s all you need to know.
